We are in the muddy waters of life. The moments full of jobs, kids, and clinging to something that is supposed to be called a happy marriage. Most days, it feels like "we" got lost somewhere in the demands of our kids and jobs. We leave the house, take the kids to school(s), go to work, maybe squeeze in a workout, pick up kids, and then come home to take care of them. By 9pm, we are spent. By 9pm, I am ready for some time with just him. By 9pm he is ready for bed. When he rolls out of bed before 6am, my brain can't even begin to fathom a conversation or anything else meaningful. I work M-F normal hours, his days off are Mon and Tues. Neither of our kids know any different, but I watch other families on the weekend and tell myself to just suck it up buttercup, not our life right now. Every great once in a while, he takes a Sat or Sun off and we get a taste of what most families call normal. It is bittersweet, to be enjoyed in the moment and then mourned by the next weekend.
To say our marriage has taken a hit would be an understatement. We have found ourselves teetering on the edge of a cliff more than once. We don't exactly agree on what should come first. It would be nice to say that both could come first, but there is no way to always balance it that way. Too many times, we have to choose between our marriage and our kids. So many times, we choose them. I don't think we will regret that, but we also need more balance. By putting them first so often, we learned we could put each other on the back burner. No matter the reason or people, when your realize your best friend and chosen mate has put you on anything other than the front burner, it breaks a little bit of your heart. We are both guilty. We both have our individual reasons.
Right now, I think we will survive. By we, I mean our marriage. Last week, I wasn't sure. The week before, I was even less sure. We have agreed, divorce isn't an option. We have also agreed unhappiness isn't an option either. I don't think we ever dreamed of a day where we would need to choose between those two options. I finally broke. I am not sure how many times I had to say things that have been said so many times before. I am pretty sure I know what he finally heard that made it all sound different. I said none of it as threats. I said all of it as truths. Some of it nearly broke me to say out loud. I knew I was at the bottom of my rope. If I let go, my next call was to a couple of friends for lawyer references. By the end of the phone call, I am not sure what he felt. My shoulders felt lighter. I wasn't sure what had sunk into his head, but I knew for once he heard me. One of the things I asked for was for him to be intentional with his words and actions. I needed more affection. I wanted him to be happy, which seemed to surprise him. In some sense, I have put my foot down with things that were steering our marriage in the wrong direction. I need to have time for the gym, so I can be healthier, happier, and keep up with the rest of my family. I need his affection, because I don't want it from someone else and don't want to ever be tempted to find it elsewhere. He keeps telling me that he knows he is the problem. To me, that makes me feel helpless. There isn't anything I can fix. I just have to sit back, support, and wait. The hardest part of that is trying to decipher if I am waiting on nothing or something. I find myself wanting to draw lines, but then pondering who I think I am to draw lines if divorce isn't an option.
The conversation turned us in a different direction. I honestly think we were headed to separation and rather quickly, even if it would have been under the same roof. I was probably 24 hours or less from moving out of our bedroom. He had no idea. I doubt it even crossed his mind. The conversation changed that, I gave it a few more nights.
A couple of things seemed to change our direction. Bonding on the tball field, helping coach together. Realizing that is the first thing we have done jointly in a long time, if maybe ever. Something that had been so frustrating and upsetting several weeks ago (our son having to change baseball teams) seemed to have a greater purpose. Ironically, I had told his first coach that I was curious to see what purpose God had in store for us with this change that had to be made. Funny how God works.
My mom called. She asked if she could take the kids for a sleepover on Friday night. Suddenly, we had date night since he had worked all day already. The nice weather would mandate a late start for him the next day. There wasn't heavy conversation at dinner, I don't remember discusing discipline or frustrations or our problems. We just enjoyed each other's company. We enjoyed the next morning as well, having a late breakfast and just enjoying the quiet of just us in the house.
One night, Notting Hill was on. We both really like that movie. He can't help it, his mom and sister ruined him that way. It made me remember the first time we saw it, and how he sang along to "When you say nothing at all". Every time I think of that moment, I smile. It has been nearly 15 years. I still smile, every single time.
Our daughter's birthday. He took the day off. A very rare Saturday of him being off, definitely to be cherished. Friday night was a late t-ball game of us coaching kids up past bedtime. Saturday morning the birthday girl joined us in bed. We celebrated her. We helped coach a double header of rained out tball games. We met family and friends at our house for a cookout. We had a great time. We both took a moment, as all of the guest were chowing down and we looked around. Then we hugged and agreed that the mortgage payment that threatens to drown us each month is worth it to have room to host this, a house full of happy people. Somewhere in the night, I stopped him and thanked him so much for taking the day off and for everything he had done. I knew it was intentional on his part.
We still have lots of improvements to make. I do believe we are headed in the right direction. I want to know what he needs from me. I want him to be happy, I want me to be happy. If we are happy, our kids will be happy too.
What I need some of the time:
Romance
Sensual
Laughter
Play
Quiet
Baseball game (college or pro, I am full on little league)
Music and tunes on the porch after dark
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